One Mother

Why is it that as adults your mother has the ability to cut to the core and make you feel like crap (I gotta find a better word)? No matter how successful, adjusted and complete you feel your mom can pull the rug out from under you in ten seconds or less. When I pick up my mom at the train station after her 55 minute commute from the big city I can clock how long it takes her to dig into her bag of insults. Just like the excrement flinging primate she hits me right in the kisser. Her best time is 6.5 seconds, if our high school wrestling team could pin opponents that fast we would be undefeated. The top 3 are, 1. "Why did you move here, it is to far and to dark?" 2. "Why were you late, you wouldn't treat ________(insert any other relative"s name) like this?". I have never been more than 5 minutes late and only because she refuses to read the train schedule prior to leaving home. She prefers the Russian Roulette method of blindly leaving home only to arrive at the station without a goal in mind. If she just missed a train and the next one is 2 hours later, fine. She has the uncanny ability of arriving exactly 2 minutes before the event she is coming to witness. But if you start the day my saying, "Mommy the followings times are great so that we won't miss the graduation because we are picking you up", she will reply, "I won't be rushed, I will get to the station when I get there, you know I have an illness". I digress, where was I? 3. "The train conductor singled me out and tried to have me thrown from the train because he took my ticket and forgot. He did it because I am black", so was the conductctor. Once she hangs up her coat she unloads the big guns, someone has either gained weight or lost (they were fat the last time she visited). It's late but insist we serve her whatever we had for dinner, "I normally don't eat like this so late, in fact I ate on the train, could you put the leftovers in the refrigerator?", "Does your husband always cook this kind of food, no wonder you guys are so big, hee-hee?" and finally, "Is that new?" (pointing to an item that was there the last time she visited) "It must be nice.".  I feel pressure to lie by saying we found it in the trash or got it hot from the flea market, it probably came from Sam's Club where she to can shop for good deals since we added her to our account but Mayor Daley won't allow Walmart and Sam's to open in her area because he is in the back pockets of the unions, but I digress. It boils down to as an adult your mother can cut you to the quick but when I am threatening my teens, I can't penetrate the wall of defiance. In 15 years when I exit that train in their towns it will be equal to the tornado scene from The Wizard of Oz.